By day, this sleepy café adjacent the historic plaza is a great place to stop off for a quick respite from the often unrelenting seasonal rains, as it was for us. What lies in wait for you at any hour of any day is something quite different, and it's not just an intrinsic deception, it's as often an outright nightmare.
On our first visit to Leugim's Bar & Restaurant, we just wanted a break from the weather. We took a table and ordered some soft drinks. We were traveling through the area with our kids writing parenting reviews, and the waitress (owner Miguel's upstanding daughter,) was perfectly attentive.
Mind you, we were the only patrons in the place, even though it's supposed to be a restaurant, and it was 4:00pm in the height of the tourist season. Always something suspicious to look out for when the locals don't eat there, and at this hour, our scam-dar should have been beeping like crazy.
We got to talking and explained what we were doing in town, and she quickly brought out Miguel, the owner and guy who's name is spelled backwards to form the name of the place. He saw the potential for media influence and made nice with us.
He asked our budget, told us not to worry, and brought out a dinner that could not be beat. Maybe we were hungry, or maybe he was putting his best foot forward for the sake of a favorable review, but whatever the reason, it was a great dinner.
When it ended, he invited us to come back for another meal, but told us that next time it would be for the express benefit of our kids. After all, we're writing parenting reviews about the local restaurants and attractions, right?
We went back about a week later to find them closed without explanation. It was a good 40-minute drive, but my fault for not calling ahead. A few weeks later we went back to redeem our killer kid-friendly dinner, and we were met immediately by the same daughter/waitress and owner/cook/manager.
The two of us had eaten, so this dinner was all about the kids. We asked for chicken fingers, burgers, fish n' chips, or anything kiddo-centric, but he had none of those. He said he had a good idea what would work, and we trusted him, so he headed back to the kitchen and started a parade of what I can only describe as the least edible, least appealing food ever sent to a table of human beings.
It started with a sickeningly soaked assortment of fried foods ala an appetizer sampler. The kids barely touched it, and when we tried it, we could see why; it was ugly, smelly and otherwise horrid.
Next came the approximation of Fish N' Chips, some white fish soaked in a deep fryer with plantains… The kids all faithfully tried a bite, but would go no further. Again, us adults tried bites, but to call it nasty would be an insult to the very concept of nastiness in general.
Our patience was waning and the kids were starving, so we asked for our check… and that's where the real problem began. First, Miguel came out to literally scream at us for not eating his wholly unpalatable abominations, insisting that it was exactly what we ordered. Nothing settles the empty stomach quite like a good shout from the owner.
So in a huff, puff and house-down-blowing, he gave us our bill and disappeared forever… it was over $60… and they would only take cash. No credit cards, no checks, nothing but cash… and wait, seriously? $60 for a couple platters of inedible grease-stuffs a beluga would be embarrassed to taste? Just a couple cokes, a platter of deep-fried garbage no one ate, and a bunch of baskets of strange fish-stock no kid would ever willingly eat? Seriously?
I asked about the bill (which was neither itemized nor electronic) and was told that was that, period.
Seriously? Was this a joke?
My first visit was as a standard patron, though one that happened to be a journalist. This visit was expressly at the behest of the proprietor, so he could really show his chops for parents wishing to travel with kids. This is what we get?
I pointed out that I was a guest invited to come in and write a review, and that this would in fact be the review, but it had no impact.
I paid every single dollar and coin I had in my possession to cover the bill and tip, only to leave angry and hungry, and find a ticket on my car… yep, it took them more than 90-minutes to fail to feed my children, and the city of San German slapped my Enterprise Rent-a-Car with a parking ticket.
Just a perfect cap to a perfect evening.
We headed straight for McDonalds, and for about $6 got enough yummy goodness to stuff my munchkins silly… but would you believe there's worse chapter to the story?
The same month he's begging me to come in and write up his restaurant as a family-oriented eatery, he's posting online saying that his bar is the hottest gay nightspot in San German… wow. I knew he had balls on him, I just didn't realize they were seasoned with chin sweat.
I'm a contributing activist for the benefit of gay rights, but I think we can all agree that the hottest gay bar in town IS NOT the same place that's the #1 best eatery to take your youngsters to.
In short, they make terrible food, worse decisions, and are so hell-bent on sodomizing their customers that if they can't do it by absurdly over-charging for inedible food, they'll just do it the old fashioned way… sailor.
